|
| Seeing my grandma and my dad this weekend was maybe one of the hardest things I've done in a long time. My grandma's mind is completely gone. We attempted to hold a conversation, but she spoke nothing but gibberish. It really saddened me, but I just wish the best for her now. Sometimes, I think medicine can be an evil thing,it prolongs life for the wrong reasons. We are meant to die at a certain time and medicine just gets in the way. A year ago my grandma used to say she wants to be with her husband... now she says she wants to be with her parents. The only thing I can make of this is that she is close to dying. It's said that when a person can start seeing the dead or hearing them then their time is coming soon. I hope her time is coming soon, for her sake... and for the family's.
Seeing my dad was even worse. He's lost a lot of weight. He says that he's been walking around a lot and fasts a lot. About two weeks ago he went into the ER because his nose was running and it wouldn't stop. It was serious enough for my dad to get a prescription for his hypertension. For some reason, I refuse to believe that my dad is human. To me he's not, he's my hero. He was the best dad any guy could ask for and I want him to stay alive long enough for Toby to have good memories with him. But shit, my dad lives life with complete disregard for his health. The type of work he is involved in will eventually kill him. He has a small circle of friends in his old hometown and I think that might be the only reason he stays, and he likes to be in close proximity to my grandma. When I met up with him, we had a long conversation about things. He told me when his father died, he had never told anyone about his belongings, and he told me essentially what to do when he dies. This downright scared the shit out of me. I told him to come with me, because he can't continue on this route. He just can't. He said he'd think about it, but I know he won't.
I have the feeling I will be attending two funerals very soon. Too soon.
I'm not ready to lose my father. But I think he's ready to let go.
On that note, I just consider myself fortunate. Sometimes, my dad would come into town and I wouldn't hang out with him because I had some other 'stuff' going on that I felt was more important. My grandpa would get really mad at me because his father died when he was 11, and he told me I should never take the one I had for granted. He was right, and I feel guilty. Not only for that but because I've left him so many times. Every time I tried to live with him I left because life was easier without him. (He was a lot more strict with me than my mother was, this had its pros and cons.) I'm sure it hurt him, and I can't live with that. I can't live with the guilt of knowing that I hurt my father.
| | |
| The other day I sat down and wondered about my existence. I've done this before, but this time I think it was in a different context. I actually thought to myself, "Why am I here and how did I get here?" Usually I just think about God and all that great stuff, but I thought for a moment what if that wasn't true. What if I'm here arbitrarily as someone's version of a game?
I'm never baffled to find people who don't believe in God. Why should they? His examples are hard to find unless you look closely. In a world that is mutilated by corruption and evil it is hard to believe in any form of deity who is looking over us... but yet people still do. I still do. I do so because it's not hard for me to see life's treasures. The diamonds in the rough. My son for example. The greatest thing in my world. A true blessing from above. To believe in something greater than yourself is truly difficult. It's saying that you are a mere pawn in a much larger game, essentially belittling yourself... but only if you look at it that way. In truth, it's more like lifting yourself up. Climbing the shoulders of that entity and entrusting them with your fate so you can get on to more important things.
Sometimes, I think people forget that life is supposed to be lived one day at a time.
My grandma used to sing this old song to me, "One day at a time, lord Jesus, that's all I'm asking of you." She didn't have the greatest voice, but that wasn't important, because it still sounded beautiful. My grandma is a beautiful woman, it's too bad Alzheimer's has been eating away at her memory. I'm just glad she got to meet, hold and kiss Toby when she was in at least somewhat of a coherent state. She's been battling this disease since about 2000. I remember in 2007 when I told her that my girlfriend was pregnant. Not only did she remember who I was that day, but she confronted me and asked, "Y que vas a hacer?" I told her that I was going to be a father. I think she was pleased with that response. I don't think I've ever met anyone with a more pure heart than my grandma. I remember I took my friend Pankaj to see her, and I told her that he was from India. She replied, "Oh, that's beautiful." That's her response to almost everything.
My grandma was sharp too. She was never formally educated, but she strived to get her GED in the 1970's. She could be scathingly witty too. My grandfather, her husband, had four brothers, all of whom had married white women. He was the only one who didn't, not that it matters, but the brothers always looked upon my grandma very condescendingly. One of my uncles commented that my aunt (my father's mother, grandmother's daughter) looked like an Indian because she had dark brown skill and long black hair. He said "Era puro india." My grandmother replied, "No, es pura india." Which means, "No, sure's pure Indian." Which was an attack on his mixed children.
With regards to faith, she had the most profound views. Even though she was not formally educated, she read a hell of a lot of books. She loved guideposts, readers digest books, religious books. She even gave me a book on vows once that had a publishing date of 1845. Wow. Anyway, my aunt and I were digging through her belongings one day when we were cleaning out her room and we found a statement written on a piece of paper that fell out of a book.
It read,
"I'm not sure why I am here, but if I don't figure it out in this world, I will know in the next."
You always know the answers grandma. I love you and can't wait to see you this weekend.
| | |
| I had a lucid dream last night, it's been my first in about a year. I was in my apartment and it seemed like I had just woken up, and gotten out of my bed, but then I realized something was off. Everything was in place and when I woke up I saw my now deceased uncle Joe sitting on my couch. He died in 2006 and he had Parkinson's. I kept him company for a while back in 2000 or so, it wasn't a lot of fun, but I think we both learned a lot from each other.
Anyway, he looked at me and said, "I thought you'd like to see how I used to look." I told him, "Yeah." I went into the kitchen and saw my dad eating, he greeted me as he usually does, and I asked him, "Hey, is that really Uncle Joe?" He said, "Yeah, that's really him!" I said, "wow" and tested my physical abilities I started jumping but I couldn't feel anything. Strange. I ended up walking outside but even though I was at my apartment the exterior was completely unfamiliar. It was extremely downward sloping, like I lived on a hill, but I still had neighbors. I walked around the block and then I think I lost control of the dream.
Always great to have a lucid dream.
Steffani and I bought a painting of the New York City skyline, the cool thing was that it was done in 2000, a year before the towers collapsed. It's strange to realize how much that event actually impacted my life. Like it did every American. Probably the most controversial tragedy in U.S. history since the JFK assassination, which I'm still trying to figure out who did that one....
School is coming to a close for the semester and I could not be happier.
| | |
| Forever trust in who we are
And nothing else matters
Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for do
Never cared for what they know
And I know...
| | |
| What's that expression?
Know when to fold em, know when to hold em?
| | |
|
